So much for my questioning whether I could write a daily post. The answer is clearly no, because I need space. My need for space and freedom has driven my whole life, and I’m not going to suddenly impose a public daily discipline on myself. I will allow myself the freedom to choose my own agenda. The main reason I would make a regular commitment would be as a form of discipline to force me out of my comfort zone. But I’ve done enough stretching out of my comfort zone lately so I’m happy to give myself some leeway. For the past two weeks I’ve had a shock to the system with 40 hour weeks, starting 6.30am, doing work that has had me on a steep learning curve. It’s part of a process of completely shifting and transforming my life. It includes leaving behind the work that has been my main source of a meagre income since finishing school, and what has typically felt like my only ‘marketable’ skill – architectural drafting. The new work I am training for is as a carer, specifically aged care for people living in their homes. So it’s a shift toward people rather than ideas. And I’ve spent my life avoiding people and only pursuing ideas .. so it is quite a dramatic turnaround for me. I’m only intending to do this work part time while I continue to push ahead with my other ventures .. but it feels good to be helping people and to be able to sustain myself in the process.
I feel as though I have been throwing myself into ‘life’ lately. Jumping into this course was very spontaneous and I hadn’t quite grasped what I was jumping into at the time. I didn’t realise my whole life would go on hold as a result .. right when I was fully inspired to do so many other things. But all those things have to wait until this course is done and my new life begins.
For a while I’ve been saying that my life will begin next year. I feel like I’ve been in a holding chamber and I’m getting ready to step out. Writing this blog is part of my process of letting go of old ideas and structures.
“Not enough time”
This has been a trigger of mine most of my life .. a constant feeling that I need more time to do whatever it is I want to do (and consequently loading up my to do list it seems in order to have a sense of moving forward. And this year I have been taking on so many more courses, having planned at the beginning of the year that I would put a stop to doing any more courses. So I’ve been very reluctant to start any new courses – and yet I have taken on three courses this year that have stretched me in different ways and been part of my life transformation. And they have also led me to places that were uncomfortable and had me look at my life in ways I hadn’t before.
I’ve decided that ultimately, my purpose with this blog is an exploration of Life. And a raw and open exploration at that. I think I am in a process of opening up .. and exploring the world in new ways.
We experience and relate to the world with beliefs and structures that are carried unconsciously. I’ve started to uncover some of the ways I believed the world to be and see them as simply blueprints formed early in life that have impacted how I have related to the world and particularly to people. In seeing the patterns I have the opportunity to change them .. though that isn’t as easy as it seems, after a lifetime of practice. My particular blueprint has been a need to have time alone, lots of time, to think and dream and plan and explore .. and it has been strongly a pattern of moving away from people. The work I am starting to do challenges this pattern in a big way.
This year is disappearing. It’s a strange feeling. I have my general angst over ‘not enough time’ .. but the same time I’m in a bit of a time warp, and in a process of letting go of timing and ‘pushing’ and allowing things to collapse and transform. While I need to start making some money – which has been hugely scarce with my attention consumed by my course – at a time I had created an opportunity to start making money selling the Circle of Life rings – I’ve had to let go of the urgency and trust that things were where they needed to be. And while I haven’t completely abandoned the idea of drafting drawings for projects and designs – I’ve given up relying on it as a source of income – and that is very liberating.
We are approaching New Moon and I wonder what I will consciously let go of this time round. What physical, mental or emotional baggage will I let go of. The physical is easy to see. My house has an overabundance of ‘stuff’ that I need to sort through and clear. So far, using the Konmari process, I have cleansed my wardrobe and that has been so refreshing. Here are some photos of my drawers. Clarity! I didn’t take a ‘before’ picture, but just imagine twice as much stuff in a messy pile.
Clear and ordered tops drawer
Clear and ordered undies drawer
Apart from my clothes, my life is in a state of having been tipped out and is in a process of clearing, reordering and choosing.
I asked for some guidance in meditation tonight and got the message that ‘my voice’ can connect my heart and my mind. In other words, I need to keep writing and sharing my voice. I know that this is my journey. And it feels both meaningless and meaningful at the same time.
I have said enough for now, and I’m struggling to stay awake.
My bed is calling me.