Taken down by technology
Finally, a week after my website went down and I lost over two months of work, I’m taking action rather that getting lost in loss and overwhelm, and writing again. Writing helps me to get clarity .. and I felt like I was just starting to make headway when it was “two steps forward, three steps back”. I’ve been floundering because I’ve been wanting to write, but knowing that a new more updated version of my website might happen any day I’ve been holding out, waiting for that so I can ‘start where I left off’. But I’ve also been in a vulnerable space of having felt like I’d made real progress on my site and thoughts only to have them wiped out .. and so, I’ve felt embarrassed at the thought of anyone coming to this site and seeing what to me feels like ‘an old me’ but really .. I haven’t come that far. But it’s the limbo that has been the hardest .. of holding out, hoping, and feeling stopped from taking action right when I felt like I was on a roll.
I had been planning a ‘launch’ for my rings for this Friday .. but that page and some associated pages were all lost. So I’m back to square one. Still holding out in case a magic recovery is found, but really, just hanging out to start moving forward again. And hence I’m writing this post both to not be living in hope and to be taking action.
I’m in the middle of a massive clear out of my house .. both of other people’s stuff that has been weighing me down, as well as of my own stuff. And frankly, I’ve been stuck in overwhelm. But at least I’m on a path towards shifting that overwhelm. I have to acknowledge the sense of wasted energy and time that all this ‘stuff’ has had on me and continues to have while I wade through this mountain of clutter. But I’m clear that I have to move through to the other side so I can begin to really start to move forward with my life and my plans. And I should probably stop to contemplate how this sense of overwhelm has really held me back for such a long time. It is a sense of confusion I have carried with me since childhood and that has had me constantly searching and studying in an attempt to reach a point of clarity. The feeling it has on me is that of a deer stuck in headlights .. an inability to move due to a state of overwhelm and confusion about what actions to take. But I’ve been making great headway on gaining the clarity I’ve been seeking through taking action .. baby steps .. and mostly via this website. So I guess, after what felt like big breakthroughs in the past couple of months, the loss of all I had written was really quite shocking and unsettling to me. But of course .. it isn’t the end of the world. And while I hope to get those thoughts back, I can also just keep on moving on.
Stuck in hope
It’s been the hope that I may recover what I lost that has had me stopped .. stuck in limbo .. and full of ideas and thoughts I couldn’t express lest the website be recovered and then I lost what I’m writing now. But I will save these thoughts (trivial and pathetic as this post feels to me) and stay in action while I continue to live in hope.
One of my breakthroughs of late has been around my ‘psychological explorations’ and the discovery that I have ‘avoidant-dismissive attachment’. Having words that describe my feelings (and lack of feelings) is very validating. I’ve been on a path of reconnecting with the world and people for the past three years, after 43 years prior of attempting to do everything on my own and disconnect as much as possible. I’ve more to write on that but for now I am just getting my head clear and declaring where I’ve been at and moving beyond the stuck space I’ve been in.
I’m releasing this post, in rough and ready style, to start to move forward again. I’d made such big changes to my Circles of Life page that I’m hesitant to start again there until I know there is no hope of recovering what I lost. I’ll continue with my huge decluttering which is bringing up all sorts of fears .. but which once done will give me a new lease of life. And I’ll post this now just so I can keep on moving.