I feel like my life is on hold .. like I’m holding my breath until everything changes. This is a familiar feeling to me. I’ve spent years in this state. So I will explore it now while I live in this three week hiatus until my life begins anew. Right now three weeks feels like a long time .. but I’m present to the need to keep on taking small steps toward my bigger vision despite the state of overwhelm and drowning in uncertainty that I seem to be in.
Three weeks is when a large amount of stuff that represents the attachments and histories of other people will be moved out of my house. It represents a huge milestone in my transformation and in stepping into a life that is of my own choosing rather than one that adapts haphazardly to the paths of other people. It took a certain amount of insanity and a determination to look at what I was not dealing with to see the impact of my determined neglect of my needs. What that neglect afforded me was firstly, very little need to interact with others, which then became a need to NOT interact with others since I wasn’t good at lobbying for myself.
Turns out I do have needs .. and desires .. if I let myself be present to them. Seems even like they may be my ticket for my reentering the earthly realm .. the world I left behind a long time ago.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this writing. I guess I’m trying to understand why I do this to myself .. get myself into these spaces where I feel trapped and overwhelmed and feel a desperate need to flee to freedom. It’s an ‘all or nothing’ tendency that no doubt serves me in some ways and harms me in others. Bringing consciousness to it feels like a worthy thing. I guess, in a way, the ‘trappedness’ – of feeling like I have to surrender to something bigger – allows me to let go and to focus on something else. It forms a cosy cocoon of sorts for exploration.
My biggest experience of feeling trapped was living in Sydney, when Joey was aged around two until five, and the business I worked for and effectively became a part of, The Plan Shop, had become my agonising cage that kept me trapped in Sydney, in poverty, in a job I didn’t enjoy and didn’t feel good at, with lots of stress and not much fun. It is from that experience that I am so present to the feeling of putting my life on hold right now .. “I’ll just hold my breath and it will all be better”. I know I don’t breathe enough. I need to start breathing more.
To be honest, and somewhat vulnerable, a big part of why I feel like my life is on hold with this stuff is because I have a belief that ‘I won’t be able to meet my new man’ until this stuff is gone. And right now I’m tired of waiting.
I am almost swooning at the thought of the space that will be opened up .. which I expect to feel as a rush and surge of energy and inspiration, and an opening for love and light to get in.
With three weeks until the big transformation, things are progressing apace. My website is finally in safe harbour where it won’t suddenly die and leave me abandoned like happened recently. I am tidying up various bits of technology. I’m about to get some help with my website (so exciting!), I’m progressing with my big house decluttering (in fits and starts), the rings vision is moving closer to becoming real, my path is opening up and becoming clearer .. and life is evolving. I feel like I’m starting to reach dry land after so many years of floating, and right now my feet are just starting to touch the bottom.
I’ll post this now and maybe add to it later. I do have plans to create more generally inspiring posts, rather than me just sharing my journey and madness with the world .. but this is all part of the journey.