We are moving into a big full moon tomorrow, and things feel pretty big all round.

Through my Shine Your Light journey of three months we have been moving in alignment with the moon, so I feel the energy of this full moon in my life.

Tomorrow things come to a bit of a head with my first day of work experience .. having to start early and have my boy do his first solo walk across the trunk road to the bus stop in the morning.  That feels big in itself.  He is super capable so it isn’t an issue, but it is still a form of letting go.  Starting my 120 hours work experience at a local nursing home – which isn’t exactly the work I’m moving into since I’m planning to work in the community – feels pretty momentous.  And my first experience of Playback Theatre tomorrow night – which I’m rather nervous about.  I am definitely being forced out of my comfort zone in many different ways.

The aikido teaching still has me almost over the edge of my comfort zone to the point I’ve considered cutting the rope altogether.  But of course I won’t.  Will I?

I discovered today that I am an Ambivalent.  I am someone who sees both (or every) side to a situation and cannot therefore take sides.  It can be agonising.  I’m seeing that I need to get really clear about my vision and what I want to work towards, so that my direction will be clearer and decisions easier.  I would say the biggest gift in being an ambivalent is in the creative realm .. because it invites the opportunity explore lots of different approaches to a problem.  The challenge is finally deciding .. and cutting off the other possibilities.  This is something I’ve never been good at.  I think most of my life has happened through indecision rather than decision, and I have allowed myself to be pushed and pulled by new opportunities to understand the world.  My explorations have included architecture, sculpture, landscape design, music, trades, gambling, drugs, meditation, spirituality, business, travel, craft, play, philosophy, anthropology, design, house construction, gardening, politics, self development, video creation, website creation and art.  The thread in it all I would say is around finding a way to live in the world that is sustainable and productive.  This has been a huge challenge.  But I am getting close.

I started this blog post with the title ‘Opening up’ before I knew what I was going to write about.  I think the essence of what I am experiencing at the moment is a process of letting go and releasing that allows for more relaxation and ease.  This is coming about partly due to a better understanding of why I’ve experienced life in the way that I have.  And part of my letting go is gathering this collection of words and putting it in a public place as an act of vulnerability .. but knowing that this is a journey I am on to practice my writing .. and working out what I want to say .. and opening up my life and myself to the world.

I’ve already had my sensation of leaping and free-falling.  I thought I had landed .. but right now I’m a bit swept up by a wave.

I need to stop procrastinating and get on with an oppressive amount of assignments I’ve been avoiding.

Ever onwards ..