Fresh perspectives on life ...

Hello,

We are moving into a big full moon tomorrow, and things feel pretty big all round.

Through my Shine Your Light journey of three months we have been moving in alignment with the moon, so I feel the energy of this full moon in my life.

Tomorrow things come to a bit of a head with my first day of work experience .. having to start early and have my boy do his first solo walk across the trunk road to the bus stop in the morning.  That feels big in itself.  He is super capable so it isn’t an issue, but it is still a form of letting go.  Starting my 120 hours work experience at a local nursing home – which isn’t exactly the work I’m moving into since I’m planning to work in the community – feels pretty momentous.  And my first experience of Playback Theatre tomorrow night – which I’m rather nervous about.  I am definitely being forced out of my comfort zone in many different ways.

The aikido teaching still has me almost over the edge of my comfort zone to the point I’ve considered cutting the rope altogether.  But of course I won’t.  Will I?

I discovered today that I am an Ambivalent.  I am someone who sees both (or every) side to a situation and cannot therefore take sides.  It can be agonising.  I’m seeing that I need to get really clear about my vision and what I want to work towards, so that my direction will be clearer and decisions easier.  I would say the biggest gift in being an ambivalent is in the creative realm .. because it invites the opportunity explore lots of different approaches to a problem.  The challenge is finally deciding .. and cutting off the other possibilities.  This is something I’ve never been good at.  I think most of my life has happened through indecision rather than decision, and I have allowed myself to be pushed and pulled by new opportunities to understand the world.  My explorations have included architecture, sculpture, landscape design, music, trades, gambling, drugs, meditation, spirituality, business, travel, craft, play, philosophy, anthropology, design, house construction, gardening, politics, self development, video creation, website creation and art.  The thread in it all I would say is around finding a way to live in the world that is sustainable and productive.  This has been a huge challenge.  But I am getting close.

I started this blog post with the title ‘Opening up’ before I knew what I was going to write about.  I think the essence of what I am experiencing at the moment is a process of letting go and releasing that allows for more relaxation and ease.  This is coming about partly due to a better understanding of why I’ve experienced life in the way that I have.  And part of my letting go is gathering this collection of words and putting it in a public place as an act of vulnerability .. but knowing that this is a journey I am on to practice my writing .. and working out what I want to say .. and opening up my life and myself to the world.

I’ve already had my sensation of leaping and free-falling.  I thought I had landed .. but right now I’m a bit swept up by a wave.

I need to stop procrastinating and get on with an oppressive amount of assignments I’ve been avoiding.

Ever onwards ..

Hello.

I’m in a transitional phase at the moment.  I seem to have been in this phase a long time .. but things seem to be shifting more and more.

I’m about to move from one project to the next .. leave my website alone for a while so I can work on the final modules of the course I’m doing.  Today I have had another day to myself with Joey away at Cub Scout camp .. and I have made some progress including taking some photos to get a new headshot.  The one above is what I chose, taken on the trampoline.

Here are some other photos I like:

And that is part of my stepping forward.

My next big step will be doing a big update on Instagram.

There are seven weeks until the end of the year.  In that time I intend to finish my work experience, and move towards an end of year launch with the rings – since I see them as perfect for marking people’s words for the new year.  So I will make that my focus.  And then next year, my life can be up and running.

I’m coming up to the end of a year of money journeying with The Art of Money.  It has been such a huge year that I haven’t been able to give that course the attention it needed.  And I need to decide whether to join up again and have company on the journey next year .. or whether to go it alone with the materials I have.  I do credit much of my transformation this year to that course so I suspect I will join again .. but right now I’m still holding back from deciding.

Ambivalence over decision making is something I have lived with for most of my life and something I’m learning I need to respond to.  Weighing things up and trying to make a decision can be challenging for me .. especially when time, energy or money are involved.  Knowing how much this had held me back (which isn’t always a bad thing) my challenge now is to choose and then run with whatever decision I make – not to double back and feel regret.  And it all comes down to getting in touch with my feelings.  The threshold of decision making is one I’m always careful to cross .. and much of my life I’ve avoided even making decisions meaning I’ve probably been swept along by other people’s agendas most of the time.

Another new practice is around opening up and staying grounded.  Most of my life I have tended to shut down from connection out of a fear of being overwhelmed or overtaken by others needs.  I’m starting to see where this belief has come from and am learning that I need to stay open while also looking after my own needs.  Since I had shut down to any needs in the past as a way of rejecting people (essentially) .. I’m starting to become more compassionate, inquisitive and outspoken about my own needs and desires.  So I am bringing myself to be in the world rather than forever wanting to run away from it.

As I look at my life and my response to my experiences, I see that there is a wild element within me, a sort of inner fire, that has refused to conform – and I think that is simply my unique soul journey reacting to any constraints put upon it.  That doesn’t really make sense, but I’ll say it anyway.  I think what I’ve held onto is a sort of fierce independence .. but like so much I am discovering lately .. it’s probably all the result of some sort of decision I made early on .. perhaps one where I felt unseen, misunderstood and totally alone.  Or maybe the feeling was in me from the start and part of my life lesson – which I would say off the top of my head right now is the realisation that we are all connected.

I wrote out answers to create a profile statement as part of completing the Shine Your Light journey (also why I took the headshots).  It was good to reflect on what my vision is since it gets more clear and focused each time I do it.  My responses were:

I’m Charmaine Grace

Explorer, writer, designer, creator.

I serve people looking for more meaning and connection on their journey of life.

I create Circle of Life rings.

I’m in the process of creating large interactive sculptures for public spaces that offer opportunities for connection and fresh perspectives.

I love to explore things in order to have clarity and understanding.

I want people to feel more conscious and connected, and to know that they are not alone.

My Big Why :

Inspiring Evolution with Clarity in Action

Ever Onwards!

Hello,

So, a while back I learnt about a tendency of my personality type (Enneagram type 5) .. it was a sort of joke .. that rather than ‘ready, set, go ..’ instead we get stuck in ‘ready, ready, ready ..’.  This analogy described my experience so well .. of overthinking things and holding back from taking action.  And I’ve been taking it upon myself to step into things since then that I wouldn’t otherwise .. and it’s all been a bit of a waking up process.

So today, 11.11, is the official ‘launch day’ with my Shine Your Light fellow goddesses :).  My launch is the making available of the Circle of Life rings through a Paypal button on my website.  My goal is to have this sorted and up by / at 11.11 tonight.  I do enjoy having fun with numbers, I must admit.

Today I walked the labyrinth in Dorrigo with some fellow adventurers ..

I’m noticing my wrinkles .. but at least they are smile lines :)

And I currently have a not so happy camper who does NOT want to go away on another camp tomorrow morning.  It is a Cub Scout overnight camp, and for the first time I am not joining in.  I am giving myself the time and space to work on assignments that I have due by Tuesday for the Individual Support (Aged Care) course I am coming close to finishing.  And I also have two or three weeks of work experience in a nursing home starting on Monday – though I’m planning to work in the community once the course is over.

I’m tying up loose ends.

I’ve drawn a line in the sand in terms of doing architectural drafting to support myself.  I now plan to only use those skills for my own projects.  This is a massive breakthrough.  It’s been like stepping across a threshold.

On Monday, with some sort of super full moon, I’ll be attending a Playback Theatre event that’s been set up by a friend and fellow Shine Your Light priestess.  I’m a bit nervous about it – but nothing a bit of breathing won’t deal with.

If I look at my life as a wave, it is at a stage where it is building in momentum and getting ready to land.  My challenge is to simply keep breathing and keep taking steps forward.  I’ve had such a connected time lately .. and this is really unusual for me.  But it has also been really lovely and fun.

Things seems to be speeding up .. but at enough of a rate that I can handle it.  I’ve had a strange yet wonderful day.  It’s 9.10pm and I haven’t even stopped to have breakfast .. though I stopped and had an apple and some cashews before my aikido class.

I’ve been wondering about this blog .. and who I’m talking to .. and in essence I figured I could just do what I do which is talk to myself, but do it in the public eye .. and if anyone wants to listen or contribute, they can.  I’m making it all up as I go along anyway.

So .. some more thoughts I’ve had about Trump – his election and place in world politics turns it all into a bit of a circus .. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing.  And another thought is that perhaps it’s better having overt racism that can be responded to, rather than covert racism.  I think bringing things out into the open is an opportunity to deal with and transform them.  You see .. I always try and look at the positives in any situation.  It’s a skill I realise I’ve developed in response to my super positive mum .. who had an almost blind refusal to see the negative (which it seems sent me down a giant rabbit hole of confusion).

< sigh >  I seem to be doing lots of releasing at the moment.  At long last.  I’m seeing .. with the help of others .. how my perspective on the world has been limited and limiting.  Something I got present to today was how little I breathe .. how I almost cut off from life in that way.  And for so long I’ve found ways to live with minimum effort or energy spent on food.  And my pattern has been to withdraw from the world.

And what I’m seeing is a pattern developed in early childhood that I am carrying with me now.  In essence this is a feeling that the world (which was my mum) demands too much of me and doesn’t understand me, and my response was to withdraw into my shell and do things on my own.

In a cosmic twist, the Ulysses butterfly, which I have just turned into 1000 tattoos as part of my Circles of Life launch, can no longer (presently) be seen in captivity in Australia.  The day after my tattoos arrived, a friend saw a sign at the local butterfly house, saying:

“In recent months the entire captive population of Ulysses butterflies has collapsed.  The hundreds of caterpillars being reared in North Queensland, on behalf of 3 major butterfly houses in Australia, have died.  Efforts to re-establish a captive population by introducing ‘wild stock’, caught under Queensland government permit have also failed.  The species seems to have disappeared from most accessible areas of its range.”

This message says to me that we can’t tame nature, we can’t control everything, and to try to do so destroys the very thing you love so much.  I feel a sense of relief that the Ulysses can only fly free.  What a poignant reminder.

Tomorrow, 11/11, is officially ‘launch day’ for the Shine Your Light course I’ve been part of.  It’s now 10.36pm (I’m finally eating – vegie and tofu stif fry) .. and my next thing to do is to look at what I need to do for the launch.  I might add that my delightfully spontaneous day is partly due to the fact that my son is away on a school camp today .. so I’ve had a day without parental responsibilities .. and more freedom than usual.  And like yesterday I’ve had another day with lots of inspiring connection .. and again nine people .. my magic number ..

And maybe I shouldn’t say it but I will anyway .. one of the things I am in the process of coming to peace with is the fact I’ve landed myself in a slightly triggering situation having been thrown in as the teacher of a kids aikido class.  On the one hand it feels like it is a sort of lesson from the Universe being handed to me on a platter.  But it is also a situation I feel like I didn’t choose to be in and that I have to step up and accept.  But I’ve been reminded that I have to be conscious not to reenact my childhood feeling of entrapment and lack of choice, and to CHOOSE to do it.  I am still in the process of choosing.  I am sure I will choose .. but I haven’t chosen yet.

And another realisation before I sign off for today .. related to my lifetime of avoiding people since having cut off from all needs and desires I didn’t need them.  My experience was that people, especially needy or demanding people, represented a drain on my energy.  And I’ve realised that I’ve had the same feelings in relation to reading fiction – seeing it as more of a drain on my time than thinking about the joy and pleasure it can bring.

Enough said.  It’s time to sign off before I shift into ‘launch day’ :).  Thank goodness for deadlines or things would drag on forever.  Though I’m doing a very low key launch .. I’m not quite ready for anything bigger .. simply making these rings available is a big step in the journey.

I plan to make an OMG ring in response to yesterday’s election.

Anyway .. Ever onwards ..

.. I broke the wing of my first Ulysses ..

Hello,

Today marks my 46th revolution around the sun.  My birthday has always felt quite significant to me.  It marked the day the Berlin wall came down just a month after I left Berlin.  That was unexpected .. and lovely.  But today .. Oh My God .. it marks the day that Donald Trump has become president of the U.S.A.  Oh My God.  Those words keep coming out.  I can’t believe it.  I’ve been in shock.  Could such a thing be possible?!  Obviously it is.  It’s like the fall of the Roman Empire.  The pinnacle of pure greed.

That Donald got to where he got to felt like a miracle to me.  I was in shock about that alone.  But .. Oh My God.  Mind blowing.  I have a lot of trouble seeing anything positive in this even though I try and look at things from every perspective.  It actually feels really scary.  Like .. what is the world coming to??!  Having grown up around politicians I’ve spent my life trying to avoid anything to do with politics, including watching campaigns.  I managed to avoid this one pretty well too.  But it seemed to be an absolute no brainer ,,  #nottrump.  I couldn’t even believe that someone such as Trump could seriously be elected.

Have we entered a New World Order?  In some sense, yes.  This election really marks a SHIFT.  What will change?

There are so many different ways this election and shift could be be explored.  I’m interested in how it fares for world peace.  I’m also fascinated by the power that some people can have and the moral integrity of those people – in a holistic sense.  I’m fascinated by human nature – and what this election victory represents.

—

But onto a less shocking topic ..  my day :)

I’ve been making big shifts in my life and today was my best birthday ever – even with this shock.

Unlike most birthdays where my desire has been to disconnect – I’ve had a really connected day.  Both by plan and by chance I have spoken to a lot of people today .. nine people to be exact .. and some pleasantly deep conversations too.  And I’ve gotten connected to the earth and myself with a massage, a delivery of soil to start my garden and some stretching.

And I picked up a new book from the post office ‘ Where on earth did the Enneagram come from?’ .. one of my obsessions.  I’ll add that to the other book I’m reading right at this moment, ‘If you Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him!’.

And I had a most validating and liberating third ever psychologist session with whose help I’m finally feeling more at peace with the world and how I can exist within it.

I think today will go down in history as one of those days where you say “Where were you when you found out that Donald Trump might (or would) become president?”.

It’s 9/11 ..

Welcome to the new world order.

Peace.